Montag, September 20, 2010

Im Delirium mit Rach

Ich kann nicht beweisen, dass ich Christian Rach mal als Hauptfigur in einem obskuren japanischen Tentakelfick-Zeichentrickfilm gesehen habe. Daher werde ich jetzt gewiss nicht Bußgeld, Einzelhaft und/oder Hand-ab riskieren und behaupten, dass es so ist.

Möglicherweise ein Indiz, aber kein Beweis.

Wow, das war ein Einstieg. Das meine ich gar nicht mal wertend oder gar mich selbst für diesen surrealen Beginn lobend, sondern zunächst einmal nur als reine Feststellung. Ferner stelle ich fest, dass mir ganz klandestin ein fieser Bazillus in die Blutbahn gekrochen ist und seitdem dort Panik, Angst und Schrecken hinterlässt wie die Highbrow-Entertainerin (get it?) Dämona Katzenberger beim MENSA-Treffen. Mit anderen Worten: Ich bin im Delirium.

Während mir also stetig Schnodder-Tropfen im 7/8-Takt auf die Tastatur fallen, schnäuze ich derweil allerlei Verbal-Rotz aus den Synapsen. Und kommentiere das letzte Drittel von Rachs Restaurant-Unsinn.

Und was für ein Timing! Da wird just gerade in diesem Moment ein traurig dreinblickender Ochse mit einem Bolzenschuß-Gerät erlegt. Und eine handvoll völlig argloser Kandidaten starrt entsetzt auf den Leichnam des Soon-to-be-Whoppers.

Herzlichen Glückwunsch, liebe Rach-Rekruten, ihr Gewinn bei der Trauma-Tombola: Ein Schock für's Leben. Die militante PETA-Splittergruppe vom "Muh-Kuh-Kreuzzug" liegt sich derweil in ihrem moosbewachsenen Hauptquartier sicherlich in den von Unterernährung gezeichneten Armen.

PETA. Widerliche Subjekte. Wer hasst sie nicht?

Rach verwirft derweil die Regie-Anweisung, einen vor Schreck paralysierten Kandidaten in ein Ochsen-Kostüm zu zwängen und faselt stattdessen etwas Unverständliches von Respekt und Ehrfurcht. Währenddessen verkündet der Kommentator (möglicherweise daran erinnert, dass er selbst sich Bolzenschuß-Geräten qua gerichtlicher Verfügung nicht auf fünfzig Meter nähern darf) aus dem Off kongenial: "Das ist der Beat des Lebens und Sterbens" I kid you not.

Nicht im Bild: Beat des Lebens.

Nach der gnädigerweise zwischengeschalteten Werbepause wertet Rach sein Restaurant optisch auf und schmeißt kurzerhand ein unvorteilhaft bebrilltes Dickerchen raus, weil sie dem harten Küchenalltag (und dem Anblick seiner tiefe Schatten werfenden Augenringe) nicht gewachsen sei.

Schau mir in die Augen, Kleines.

Sie guckt so mitleiderregend, dass ich instinktiv zum Bolzenschuss-Gerät greifen möchte, um sie von ihrem Leid zu erlösen - was mehr über mich aussagt, als über sie, werfe ich entschärfend ein. Nächste Szene: Eine Mensch-Monstertruck-Chimäre bedauert Rachs drakonisch-sarkozyische Entscheidung, die nichts Leistenden der Sendung zu verweisen. Nicht zuletzt, weil sie doch gemeinsam immer "Arsch an Arsch geklebt" hatten
OHGOTTDASBILDGEHTNIEWIEDERRAUSAUSMEINEMKOPF.

Das war's. Ich weiß nicht, ob der Bazillus oder die Sendung mich zum Würgen bringt, aber ich geb auf. Der Feingeist meldet sich für heute ab.

85 Comments:

At 6:28 nachm., September 22, 2010, Blogger el bembe said...

wenn man "sarkozyische" bei google sucht, kommt einzig diese seite als treffer dabei raus. wahnsinn!

 
At 9:52 nachm., September 22, 2010, Blogger 0211paxilLangust0r said...

Jetzt kann ich beruhigt schlafen. Oder sterben. Je nachdem, was vorher passiert.

 
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